Dear Neil,. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two kids, a girl 13 and a boy Both are great kids and we love them to death. Here is the problem; my husband is easily triggered and gets angry and yells easily. Instead, he justifies his behavior.
He does a lot with the kids, so I know he cares and is mostly a good father and husband; but his anger is wearing on me and taking a toll on the kids. Do you have any advice for how to get through to my husband before things get any worse? Dianna of Rockville, Maryland.
There are a few things to look at here and then, of course, what you can do. Being chronically yelled at hurts kids.
Withdrawing, cutting, rebelling and being oppositional are a few of the possibilities. In the same way that it hurts the kids with these chronic negative stimuli, it hurts you and undermines your ability to feel emotionally safe, vulnerable and invested in the relationship.
Somehow, he believes his behavior is appropriate for the situation; that letting his anger out on others is the right thing to do. They tend to be on the black and white side of things, right and wrong, not much gray area. Why are your efforts at getting him to see this, not being effective? In general, when there is a problem, particularly between partners, there is a way to talk about it and resolve it.
