I have been actively polyamorous for a little over seven years consistently. I practice a type of polyamory sometimes called nonhierarchical polyamory, and sometimes called relationship anarchy. It is within this relationship structure that I have developed secure attachment for the first time in my life, with my longterm life partner, Jay, and a much increased capacity for secure attachment generally.
Different relationships bring out different attachment dynamics, different challenges, different perspectives, and different possibilities. I used to really struggle with polyamory. My first adult attempt at polyamory I was also poly as a teenager was when I was 26 years old, and I really struggled. My complex ptsd and disorganized attachment were highly activated by polyamory.
My partner at the time and I ended up closing the relationship and going monogamous. It was supposed to be temporary, but we never opened up the relationship again. I ended up leaving the relationship and choosing to set out on my own, trying to date in a polyamorous way. Over the past seven years I have grown so much, and healed so much, and I am now thriving in polyamory.
All my hard work is very much paying off, and I am currently experiencing very intense polyamory bliss. This used to really hurt me. As someone who struggled to feel secure in my loving relationships, the fact that I live in a world that side eyes my relationship style and assumes it must be deficient, added extra pain. I love polyamory so much. This is the only way I ever want to build relationships. This is the only way I want to love and be loved.
I do not want monogamy and I would not feel loved in a monogamous relationship. Like all practices that position themselves as natural and superior, monogamy has an insecurity problem. Truly satisfied monogamous people are not threatened by open discussion of polyamory. But in the current culture, all discussion of polyamory is happening in a context that positions monogamy as the norm. Therefore, polyamory must be seen as dysfunctional, delusional, and lesser than, or monogamous people get defensive and insecure and feel like they need to justify their monogamy.
